BEACHWEAR CALYPSO ( Words and music by Paul F. Cowlan)

Written as a result of observations during a holiday in the Dutch Antilles. After one German concert a very intense young woman, with a sour expression and hair like an ill-used toothbrush, informed me pointedly that this song was politically incorrect! Im proud to say that she was right.

Oh, the course of Caribbean history
is repeating itself, it's very plain to see.
Though we no longer have the soldiers here to shoot us dead,
we have the tourists instead. To drive us crazy.

Hey, hey, hey.
Take off your trousers and throw them away.
Hey, hey, hey.
You look a jerk in them anyway!

Under the palms and the bright blue sky
jellies in procession are wandering by,
wearing sun-tan oil and silly shorts and ludicrous hats,
with hairy chests like coconut mats. To wipe your feet on.

Hey, hey, hey.....
When you are dressed to go for a plunge
you look as if your trousers had been filled with blancmange.
Lobster pink and fish-belly white,
with everything a little too tight for public safety.

Hey, hey, hey.....
When you swim your gaily coloured shorts from Bermuda
will attract the sharks and the barracudas.
When they investigate you know they will not wait
to see if you are still inside your silly trousers.

Hey, hey, hey.....
In your present state of dress I have to advise you
that lying in the shallow water wouldn't be wise,
you might persuade a pelican who's feeling peckish
to mistake you for a jellyfish. Poor old pelican!

Hey, hey, hey.....
So jettison your beachwear la Bermuda,
with brightly painted passion fruit and maracuja,
finding something better shouldn't be too hard,
that's less like a fruit salade, and suet pudding.

Hey, hey, hey.
Take off your trousers and throw them away.
Hey, hey, hey.
You look a jerk in them.
A real berk in them.
God knows what lurks in them!
Throw them away!