VIDEO TRIPS (© Words and music by Paul F. Cowlan )

This is aimed at the sort of people who go abroad expecting everything to be exactly the same as it is at home, but with jacuzzis, all-night discos and exotic scenery. I once watched a tourist travel the entire length of the Grand Canal in Venice without once looking up from his video view-finder. As Gabriele remarked, ‘He’ll just have to wait until he gets home to find out what he saw!’

This map’s too complicated. Don’t tell me what to see.
And this damned country’s overrated. Fit for O. A. Ps!
I want a hot jacuzzi, cheap booze and golden tan,
casinos, souvenirs and crazy disco music.

I want a home from home to switch on and off at will.
That’s what it’s going to have to be to fit the bill.
A dirt cheap package charter, mod cons and sun and sea.
That sounds alright to me; and that’s just for starters!

Don’t want to see these barefoot beggars. Don’t like these dirty streets.
How do they think they’re ever likely to compete?
No pubs, no drugs, no lido, no sports, no duty-free.
They’re never going to be more than a third-rate side-show!

Turn on the video, fill up the room with smoke,
break out the six-packs, now it’s channel-hopping time!
You’re free to pick-and-mix it, load the image down and fix it,
Warm beer and fish and chips, and teenie sex. All on-line!

Tune in those cosy harbours, tune in the shopping trips;
tune out the slums and garbage, and dictatorships.
Tune out polluted beaches, tune out the urban hells;
tune in the tourist hotels and the bonus features.

I’ve been some crazy places; four-star and super cool,
high times and pretty faces, late nights by the pool.
No cultural constipating when I’m on holiday.
Tune in or clear the way! I don’t believe in waiting.

Trips like a video, from the comfort of your home.
Dial a date, sit back and wait. It’s at your fingertips.
Bangkok or Kuta Beach, they’re all within your easy reach;
and they don’t have a thing to teach you on your video trips.