TALES OF AN ARISTOCRATIC CANINE REDOLENCE
Words and Music by Paul F. Cowlan)

A posthumous - not to say ‘posterior’ - tributroblem. May he rest in the odour of sanctity. (Though I think this is unlikely!)


Janville-Hampton he has a pedigree,
but that isn’t all he has, as you will plainly see!
His hair is long and his breath is strong and he lets his wind blow free.
They call him ‘The Halitosis Hound’ and he smells like a W.C.

It doesn’t seem to matter whatever Hampton eats;
mince or fruit or chocolates, dog-biscuits or sweets,
his faintest breath is the kiss of death, and when he lifts his tail
he’ll strip the paper off your walls or cause your lights to fail.

Hampton is a ‘rabbiter,’ he kills them by the score.
He whirls around and knocks them down quite senseless to the floor.
But while most dogs will use their teeth when they go out to hunt
Hampton uses his behind and does things back to front.

Now many dogs have nicknames like ‘Wuffles,’ ‘Spot’ or ‘Bones,’
but when you get one with a poisoned bum he stands out on his own in the garden,
he’s been named ‘The Purple Flame’ and ‘Dog With The Golden Touch,’
‘Rancid legs’ and ‘Rotten Eggs’ and ‘Radio-active Crutch.’

Hampton is a friendly hound, he hates to be alone,
he has a mild psychosis about being on his own.
So just be sure to lock your door and open the windows wide
or the smell will creep in while you sleep if he lies down outside.

If you ever need a shower and you’ve only half an hour
to be fragrant as a flower just before your guests come,
and you still detect a trace of B.O. around the place
you can always save your face by blaming it on Hampton.

Or if you’ve eaten beans for tea, onions, brussel-sprouts or peas,
and then unexpectedly someone calls to see you.
There’s no reason for alarm, as they slump down use your charm,
say, “It’s just the dog. Keep calm!” Blame it all on Hampton.


Janville-Hampton he has a pedigree,
but that isn’t all he has, as you will plainly see!
His hair is long and his breath is strong and he lets his wind blow free.

They call him The Halitosis Hound and he smells like a W.C.